Bash in Berlin Review

[Betelgeuse]

Okay so I'm going to have to update this as the matches happen but I will try to keep up with it.

Ok I'm watching the replay cause I forgot how early it was on.

Obviously I will put each match in a spoiler tag so this isn't a gigantic thread.

2 HOUR pre show??? Eat me, WWE. I'm glad I'm watching the replay. Skip that faggot shit.

Spoiler: Match 1: Rhodes v Owens

Ok, match one: Cody Rhodes vs Kevin Owens. Fucking BOLD to have the undisputed title match start the show.

The crowd just lost their fucking MINDS. Cody is over as fuck. They are going to go apeshit when Gunter comes out (the Austrian wrestler who's the heavyweight champ)

Kevin Owens is so fat he has to wrestle in a T shirt. He looks like that one kid in P.E. who always smelled bad. Cody's music hit and the crowd freaked out. The German crowd is singing his theme song lol. He really does look like homelander from the boys.

Cody is punking fatty hard. He's been in control for like 90% of the match. Cody hit a Topei suicida to the outside and got on the guard rail and celebrated with the fans lol. Dueling "this is awesome" and "Cody Rhodes" chants. KO chopped Cody and Codester jumped up and double drop kicked him in the face lol. Cody put the figure 4 but KO got a rope break.

Fuck KO splashed Cody from the ring on the CONCRETE. That shit looked painful. KO puts on a bear hug but Cody boxed his ears twice.

Cody hit the Gold dust scoop slam, hit a disaster kick for a 2 count. Went for a Cody cutter but KO turned it into a German suplex. Cody went for another Cody cutter and got it. 2 count. Trading HARD forearms, KO just picked up Cody and dropped the back of his neck on his knee. That shit looked VICIOUS.

KO hit a senton from the 3rd rope. 2 count. Stunner turned into the CrossRhodes! 2 count! Holy shit, Brain buster from the third rope but KO is having trouble getting over to Cody for the cover. 2 count!

Trading punches now. Trading superkicks lol. Cody hit the Gold dust slap. Cody tried to go to the top rope but his knee gave out. KO refusing to hurt the knee at first but then he finally gave in. Cody almost wins with a roll up.

KO hits a stunner. 2 count. Cody hits 2 CrossRhodes. KO hits a stunner. 2 count. Germany chanting "holy shit" lol. KO went for the swanton and landed right on Cody's knees. That looked painful. CrossRhodes for the 3.

The winner and still WWE undisputed champion: Cody Rhodes

Spoiler: Match 2: Fyre and Dawn v Cargil and Belair

Jade is SCARY buff. I imagine when I die the Valkyrie who takes me to Valhalla looks like her. AEW is RETARDED for letting her leave. If I get one "nigger pass" I'm using it on her.

The match starts and the two girls try to double team Bianca until Jade gets in the ring. They start beating the fuck out of fyre and Dawn. Tag to Jade who gets 10 kicks in and tags back. Jade goes to help Bianca who's getting beat up outside of the ring but she gets blindsided with a suicida. I feel like they're using that move too much. We just saw it in the last match.

Drop toe hold into the bottom rope and Fyre hits her with a running knee. Looks like she potatoed her with that knee. Meteora but kickout at 2. Fyre pulling belairs hair so she can't get a tag. The crowd is pissed. They want Cargill. Fyre kicked Jade in the face when belair had her up. It was pretty funny.

Fyre thrown over the top. Back suplex to dawn. FINALLY the hot tag to Jade and the crowd explodes. She's fucking both of them up by herself lol. Hard powerslam for the 2 count. Sneaky tag to Fyre and tag to belair. Jade breaks up what should have been a 3 count. Jade kicked dawn in the face so hard she knocked her out of the ring LOL.

A great double team but it wasn't enough Fyre kicks out at 2. Fyre hit a head butt that I swear to God had to be real. Belair threw Fyre out of the ring into Jade's arms on the outside and Jade threw her into the barricade. Coolest move of the night I've seen so far.

I swear Bianca Bel-Air and Jade Cargill have the best double team finisher and wrestling right now. And it was enough to put them away.

The winners and new women's tag team champions: Jade Cargill and Bianca Bel-Air.

 

[Betelgeuse]

It's not letting me do all my spoiler tags in the same post so I have to make multiple ones.

Spoiler: Match 3: Drew McIntyre v CM Punk in a strap match

Drew McIntyre comes out wearing his leather looking like the final boss of a video game. Fucking badass. A little bit of backstory to this, at WrestleMania Drew McIntyre won the championship and he had it for 5 minutes because CM Punk fucked him over. Several times after that whenever Drew would get an opportunity for a title shot CM Punk would fuck him.

"Cult of personality" hits and the arena fucking EXPLODES. It's so funny to me to hear an entire crowd of Germans singing a song in perfect English

I really don't know who to root for on this one guys because CM Punk is from Chicago like me, but Drew McIntyre has Celtic blood like I do.

Punk went to turn around and showboat to the audience and Drew donkey punched the shit out of his head hahahaha. Drew picks up punk and throws him through an announce table. Do the match hasn't even started yet!

Punk is in the ring but he's hurt so bad I'm not even sure this match is going to continue. Drew picked up the strap and he's slapping it on Punk's bare back. I can tell you for a fact from being hit with a belt when I was a kid that that shit HURTS. It's already starting to welt.

The crowd is Chanting CM Punk as loud as Chicago crowds do. Punk it sucks that you're straight edge cuz you're going to need some Vicodin after this match. Punk tries to get away from Drew but as soon as he rolls to the outside of the Ring Drew pulls the strap as hard as he can and sends Punk to the side of the ring hard.

This isn't a wrestling match this is a beating. Punk ducks the strap and hits his GTS finisher! The only way you can win this match is if you touch all four consecutive corners of the ring. Punk decided not to touch the corners and now he is slapping the shit out of Drew with the strap.

Drew has CM Punk on top of the announce table. Reversal and Drew lands hard on the table. More strap beatings. CM Punk is going underneath the ring and he pulls out tables. Drew slapped his FACE with the strap. Ouch. Drew puts the table back underneath the ring and tells the crowd to go fuck themselves. Amazing heel work by Drew.

McIntyre with a steel chair. He smashes punk in the ribs with it and then throws the chair in the ring. Punk is BEET RED from how many times the strap has hit him. Body slam onto the steel chair.

CM Punk is legit bleeding from the strap in the face. Drew is wedging the chair in the corner, but Punk jumped up and kneed him in the face. Punk to the outside and he's pulling the table out again.

Fuuuuuuck McIntyre hit a claim war and the noise of his foot hitting punk in the face was nasty. Drew is hitting the turnbuckles now. Punk jumped out of the ring and inadvertently pulled McIntyre into the chair that he put in the corner we all forgot about. 4D chess by Punk.

CM Punk went for the four corners but McIntyre stopped him. Another running knee attempt from Punk but Drew picks him up and throws him out of the ring on to the table.

Punk has McIntyre open his shoulders and McIntyre doesn't realize that every time he hits the corner Punk hits it after him. They beat each other up for too long so the turnbuckles are reset. Trading punches in the middle of the ring. Both guys hit each other with a running kick and they're both down.

CM Punk walks in the sharpshooter and McIntyre taps out but there is no tap out lol. He's just stretching Drews spine like a pretzel. McIntyre passed out from the pain.

Punk gets to two of the corners and Drew pulls the strap and hits a fantastic looking neck breaker. For a man who 7 ft tall he is agile as hell.

"This is awesome" chants from the crowd. I agree Germany, I agree. Drew is up and looks PISSED. McIntyre hits a claymore and it is NASTY sounding. You can actually hear the slap sound that the bottom of his foot made on CM punk's face.

McIntyre hits three out of the four turnbuckles but Punk pulls them back in and hits the GTS. Both are lying there barely able to move. A second GTS. Punk hits two of the turnbuckles and goes in for a third GTS. That's it, baby. Holy shit, A FOURTH GTS!!!

Winner of the strap match: C.M. Punk

Spoiler: Match 4: mix tag team match Rhea and Damian v Liv and Dominick

Live and Dominick walk out and they look badass. Dom is literally the most hated person in wrestling right now and I couldn't love it more. Liv deserves her title belt, she's a sexy little blonde who does whatever the hell she wants.

Damian is coming out first. Then the music cuts to THIS IS MY BRUTALITYYYYYYYYYY! Germany loses their fucking minds for Rhea. And why not? A tatted up goth Australian dominatrix? I'm all in, baby girl

Liv and Dominick won't get in the ring so Rhea just pointed at her pussy and laughed. I'm surprised the cameraman showed that lol.

The match starts and Dom is pulling every move right out of the chickenshit heel playbook. Now Damian is beating the fuck out of him.

The crowd won't stop chanting we want Mommy. And so Damian priest points over to Rhea. Liv gets in the ring and Rhea kicks her in the face and gives her a Fall away slam that looks like it hurt. Rhea is walking a fucking dog all over Liv. The crowd is chanting Mommy cause they love Ripley. Dom tagged in and Damian is beating his ass.

Dom pushed Damian into the announce table then spears him into the metal stairs. LOUD "Fuck you, Dom" chants. Cheap shot by Liv. LOUDER "Fuck you, hoe" chants at Liv lmao.

Tornado DDT on priest for a two count. Another cheap shot to the eyes by Liv Morgan. This referee needs a German shepherd and a cane. Dom has a sleeper hold on Damian. Dom tried to go for a three amigos suplex and priest picked him up and shit canned him across the entire ring.

The girls are tagged back in and Rhea is in control. Rhea and hit a knee that looked like a potato. She's laying on the ground on the referee is asking if she's okay. Dominick wants to make up with Rhea and she hit him with a stiff clothesline. She puts him in a head scissors in the crowd goes nuts thinking about being in between Ripley's legs.

Liv showed off some kind of new finisher that actually looked badass but she only got a two count. Priest and Dominick back in the ring. Priest goes for the three count but live breaks it up. Ripley gets in the ring and starts beating up Liv.

Double Razors edge! The judgment day ran into the ring to try to interfere and they got slapped around by Rhea and Priest. Liv gives Rhea a sunset power bomb into the barricade that looked nasty. That must have been the receipt for kneeing her in the chin for real lol.

Dominick hits the frog splash but only gets a two count. Women are back in the ring and Liv goes for a Topei suicida (like I said they're overusing this move on this pay-per-view) and completely overshoots it and almost lands on her face on the concrete.

Priest beats the fuck out of the judgment day on the outside. Dominick takes a brutal clothes line on the announce table he actually does a flip when it hits him.

Live is in the ring and she doesn't realize that Rhea is right behind her. She's fucked. A brutal headbutt into a riptide and this one's over.

After the three count Rhea picked up Liv and licked her face. That's going into the spank bank.

Winners: Rhea Ripley and Damian Priest.

 

[Betelgeuse]

Spoiler: Match 5: Gunter v Orton for the WHC

This motherfucker is from Austria so I expect this crowd to explode.

Randy Orton comes out to a tepid response. He's getting some cheers but he's not the hometown boy.

Gunter gets a huge pop from the crowd.

Samantha Irvin try to announce Gunter and his homeboy took the microphone away from her. He's introducing Gunter in German lol.

They tie up and it looks like it's going to be an old school match. Side headlock takedown by Gunter, one from Orton. Waist lock by Orton that Gunter easily powers out of. Randy you're not going to out wrestle this fuckin guy.

Chops that immediately turns Randy's chest red. Gunter has brutal chops. Gunter working the shoulder now. Trading punches until Gunter chops the shit out of him. Randy's CHEST IS BLEEDING from the chops!

Randy Irish whips Gunter into the steel stairs. Orton working Gunters right arm now. Another whip into the steel steps. Two body slams on the announce table. Randy picks him up for a third. Four slams on the announce table.

The crowd is starting to boo Randy Orton. Gunter gets back in the ring and hits a hard shop but his right arm is messed up. He goes for a sleeper hold but Randy works that bad arm again. Gunter kicks out at one. Hell yea.

Gunter kicked Randy in the stomach and now he's going southpaw on the chops. Randy goes for another cover but kick out at 2.

Randy goes back to working the right arm. There are so many rest holes in this match I'm wondering if one of them are actually hurt. This does not seem like a main event match for world championship.

Orton is choking Gunter with the middle rope. Man they are really making him look like a bitch in his hometown. Gunter finally getting a little bit of offense but of course Orton had to shut that down. Power slam by Orton for the two count.

Gunter tweaked Orton's neck on the ropes. It looked good as fuck. Randy beating up Gunter on the third rope now. Superplex but Orton doesn't immediately go for the cover cuz he's hurt too. About 30 seconds later when he finally goes for the pen he only gets a two count.

More offense by Orton. Gunter wound up and socked the fuck out of him. Trading chops but Gunter's are too powerful. Gunter was gaining some momentum but of course Randy went for the eye poke. I guess the referee is just going to allow that cuz he saw it.

Draping DDT by Orton. Orton showboating for the crowd. Getting ready for the RKO. Gunter turned the RKO into a German suplex. T Rex drop kick by Gunter and a splash from the top rope. Two count!

Gunter went to lift Orton for a power bomb but his arm gave out. Clothesline to Orton and another attempt for the Powerbomb but he can't get it done with the bad arm. He tries the third time but he's just not getting it. He finally gets the power bomb after the 4th attempt and it's only a two count.

Powerbomb attempt turned into an RKO. Two count. (I actually thought Randy Orton was going to win right there)

Orton is taking apart the German announce table. He's putting the steel steps in front of the announce table. Orton back body drops Gunter onto the steel steps. Orton is stacking the second set of steel steps on top of the original ones. This is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better lol.

He's slamming Gunter's head and bad arm into the steel stairs. He threw Gunter end of the announced table and it broke. They really are making this dude look weak as fuck in his home town.

Randy getting ready for the RKO again. Gunter shoved it away. Gunter sleeper hold middle of the ring. Randy tried to roll out of it but Gunter rolled right with him. Randy escapes the sleeper hold only to get one of the hardest shops I've ever seen on the back of somebody's neck and then Gunter put the sleeper hold right back on him lol.

Randy gets up and falls on his back which makes Gunter break the hold. He immediately pops back up and puts the sleeper on Randy again.

Winner and still world heavyweight champion: Gunter!

 

[Betelgeuse]

Overall Grade: B+

The final match went on a little too long and I don't like the way that they made Gunter look like a bitch for 90% of the match but other than that everything was really good.