At every corner my life with romance has been a punchline. Harem amines is one of the pass times I indulge in in order to over come regression into porn since I was an addict for two years straight. Sometimes at night after a session I cried violently when no ears were around and wake up the next day still sniffling at my pain with espresso in one hand and a tissue in the other getting ready for work. My last relationship really did a number on me. The one before also since I was cheated on but this one was up there with it. I lowered my standards to compromise with this lady. Lowered so many standards for her. Swallowed hard pills at the fact she has been with guys in the past that had sex with her, that she used to to cocaine, is an alcoholic, is a pot head but with my humble heart and soul I looked pass those things. Still I only was warranted dread & demolition of my heart.
My dear friend or was, Rose had a discord server for me for it's sole purpose to bring me girls into my life since I told her about my past relationships. Rose is against Bisexuality but she would have gotten some bisexual women that were okay with having sexual interactions with my other girlfriends just for me. For someone to compromise on their morals & ethics to help a friend takes a lot and she was willing to materialize my harem to the best of her ability. A couple joined that were very active. One female was already taken but the other wasn't and me and her started to talk but it never progressed into anything crazy, just deep philosophical shit. She knew a lot about information technology and her breast were perky. She wore glasses and was a brunette. She had a Wisconsin accent but it would only show if she was really into the conversation.
Anyways, Rose tried to get some girls into the server hoping some of them would begin to start crushing on me since I told her I wanted them to like me first before I confessed my crush on them but I fucked that all up because I was getting over the line on Rose on a Friday night. This is my biggest regret yet because now I don't have a women that would be willing to spend hours upon hours to help a dude like myself get some harem babes into my life. Biggest, dumbest mistake I have made in my life yet and I cannot believe I fucking blew it. Rose was already experienced with getting freaky women because she would go to conventions with freaky girls. One time she told me, two girls wanted to eat her pussy but Rose had to turn them down because she wasn't bi like them. Rose even made friends with girls that were mentally unhinged sweet hearts that were certified yanderes. Rose knew how to weave her dream dust. To have a female willing to make a harem happen for a guy like me AND know how to become friends with yanderes was like getting hit my lightning 100 times and I pissed all away and sacrificed another friendship with her boyfriend. The guy was rich too, he offered to fly me over to help them out with the standard of living, knew a few guys to get me into a good position but I blew it off because I'm too nervous to leave my state, even scared to tell my parents because they would gas light the shit out of me about it.
And here I am, a former porn addict trying so hard not to get back into that shit again. Cheated on and lead on in the past year, what else? I have amazing sex with a girl who was a virgin and she tanks my credit score? Some guy fucks her while I'm at work busting my ass to support her? I mean man my romance life is a big joke. I could hook up with a girl this week just for the sex but I'm not going to go that low for that shit. I think that's retarded. And what's crazy to me is, the last girl would even say that but then she befriends girls who are whores, would get drunk and VC with me shit talking them but yet still is friends with all of them. I joke about BPD but she had serious BPD. Her mind is so fucked, it would take years of therapy to redeem her and I tried my ever loving best to help her but she just refused to take my advice. She would always say that the conversation is too much and that she's just going to get high and she would listen to me cry in the discord call while she started to smoke weed and she would say shit like "I'm so empty, I want kill myself, I deserved to be abused and used, maybe I'm too old for you and you don't understand" and would listen to me sob uncontrollably while she would beat herself up. Then one night she tells me, all of the love stuff wasn't real. I mean can you break my fucking heart more? Do you seriously want me to just cry & cry & cry every fucking hour of the day? I don't get it.
I know I'm a freak but just to have a girl whisper sweet stuff into my ear even though she's not my soulmate would be enough just to cope with my loneliness. I'm so fucked up, I don't even want to have sex if I get a girlfriend ever again. I've become so traumatized by porn, being cheated on manipulation, if I were to sit in a bedroom with my girlfriend I would tell her straight up I don't want to have sex until way later on by some miracle my mind can compute it as it being a part of love. Me writing fantasies is how I cope, Me watching harem anime and romance animes is how I cope because I've become so sexless in my sexuality I don't even think I have a penis sometimes and you may think I'm trying to be funny but I'm not. I just want to just feel a girls voice tenderly nurture me, I just want to roleplay cuddle scenes in discord with her and I want her to say sweet shit to me. I don't understand why I get such a shitty batch of females, it never fails man. I think that's why I was coming on to Rose because she was the only girl that respected me after a break up.
I don't know what else to say honestly, I'm mentally worn the fuck out maybe I should become a munk, shave my head and leave my western culture behind. Move to Japan or someshit and conform to their culture. This American culture sucks so bad. The sexual revolution really fucked everything up. Who knows, I'm against race mixing but maybe after 20 years of being a munk and not having sex, I'll leave buddism because a Japanese girl fell in love with me and I couldn't resist and shes like a crazy japanese girl you see in anime where she calls me daddy in a japanese accent and makes my dick go crazy when she sucks it while talking dirty to me in japanese. Maybe that's what my purpose in life is, is to become a munk and become a brother of japanese men in a beautiful town somewhere in japan. A place so pure and quiet, so peaceful, I know how the japanese are with white men being there but I think they would accept me when I tell them my terrible romance stories and what one man did to my mind for 5 years promising me a bright future just to cause a suicide and use me as a punching bag. Maybe then I wouldn't be wasting away on onion farms telling everyone my pathetic story.
